Naps: Types, Textures, Colors and... Types.

Nap Nap: Considered quite healthy by some, a Nap Nap lasts anywhere from 10 to 20 minutes. Upon waking, the Nap Taker experiences refreshment, a slight sense of benign naughty guilt and a strange sense of adult like accomplishment. The downside of a nap nap, is that if one is not careful, it can result in one of the following:

Hot White Nap: 1 hour, awaking suddenly with feelings that include thinking it’s the next day, not remembering you were taking a nap, regret, despair. Other key indicators: sweaty body, heat as a concept in the mind, bright white as a theme. Energy levels are high after a Hot White Nap due to the excessive amount of rest the body has received, however this is countered by existential malaise.

Grey Doom: Similar to the above, but in the 2 to 3 hour period. The Grey Doom, usually results in the person waking up in the late afternoon just before night fall. Along with heat and sweat, the Grey Doom has a blue-ish grey color, which initially makes you feel like you’re on holiday, but soon has reality pounding your face with feelings of loss, regret and embarrassment. The time one loses from the Grey Doom is never returned (like most time wasting endeavors.) and energy gained is diminished.

Black Night Nap: A Black Night Nap is rare but can last anywhere from 3 to 4 hours and results in a Nap taker waking at night somewhere around 8pm to 9pm. Confusion is less due to your fate being sealed, so many reach a fork in the road on how to deal with the coming fall out from a Black Night Nap. The Black Night Nap can leave you awake well into the early morning (3am/4am), can result in dinner being skipped and is classified as a parasite due it’s need to grow by sapping sleep from you causing you to repeat it the following day. An insidious side effect is a person’s ability to justify watching internet videos in bed between waking from the Black Night and trying to fall back asleep as well as irresponsible midnight snacking to consume calories neither burned nor required.

Red Confusion: The rarest of naps, Red confusion has a bright yellowish/reddish glare and occurs when the nap taker simply does not wake up until the night/early morning of the following day (around 2am to 4am.) the reddish glow comes from ones side lamp and or/candle that they need to light in order to gain composure and realize where they are. Sweat may also occur like the above, but less so, as the body simply assumes you went to bed like a normal person. Feelings of detachment from reality are profound.

Death: Death is commonly irreversible and not much is known about the symptoms post wake up. As a unintended nap disorder, it effects 100% of  humans and is rarely taken intentionally. Many religions and schools of philosophy, science and spirituality have drastically different theories on what it feels like to wake up from death. Some texts in pop culture even claim that waking up after this nap leaves someone so disoriented, hungry and annoyed that not only does one never sleep again but they spend the remainder of their life eating other human’s brains.