New Evidence Suggests Dinosaurs Left Before Meteor Struck

A ground breaking discovery has revealed that dinosaurs (specifically raptors and the friendly T-Rex) were in fact super intelligent creatures. More importantly, it has been revealed that they left earth on intergalactic spaceships some 66 million years ago, moments before a meteor wiped out their much dumber reptilian cousins. 

Despite being portrayed as quite intelligent and friendly in cinema. Evidence now suggests Raptors didn't even walk on their own but instead would drive cars and motorbikes.

Despite being portrayed as quite intelligent and friendly in cinema. Evidence now suggests Raptors didn't even walk on their own but instead would drive cars and motorbikes.

Two months ago archeologists stumbled upon an underground library and research facility said to have been built by the creatures, which has a documented history of their civilisation. The underground facility was discovered (ironically) on an island in Costa Rica.

The findings were kept secret by the Costa Rican government until experts could verify that the facility was indeed genuine. Despite appearing to look like other dinosaurs, Raptors and the Tyrannosaurus Rex have much larger brains, self-awareness, a complex language (similar to Japanese) and highly advanced technology.

Their spaceships left earth millions of years ago and audio visual recordings left behind state that they will not be returning. World leaders have hailed the discovery as a break through but will remain vigilant just in case these dinosaurs decide to return. 

In addition, vast libraries of pop culture material from their time have also been discovered including 8 seasons of a sitcom called "Everybody Loves Raptor" and a gripping drama series called "House of Claws". 

Fruit Lobby abandons decades long “Nature’s Candy” campaign

In a surprise announcement, some of the most powerful fruit companies in the world have announced they will no longer be marketing fruit as "nature's candy." 

Big Fruit (also known as the Big Five - made up of Apples, Bananas, Oranges, Grapes and Watermelon) have announced that even they themselves no longer believe that fruit is nature’s candy.

In a press conference earlier today, Barry Applebaum explained that this lie can no longer go on and that fruit can be a pretty lame snack. 


In a press conference earlier today, Barry Applebaum explained that this lie can no longer go on and that fruit can be a pretty lame snack. 

Executives stated that although the decades long campaign had some merit, the reality was that fruit is simply not as satisfying as a snickers bar or bag of chips.

Some experts have applauded the move, saying that by admitting the truth and accepting that fruit is not comparable to a bag of skittles or corn chips, fruit consumption might actually increase. The new campaign will revolve around guilt tripping and fear mongering in order to force people to consume those all-important cancer-preventing vitamins.

Despite the big players supporting the move, small to medium sized fruit companies are still holding out, the all powerful berry conglomerates made up of strawberries, blueberries and blackberries to name a few have refused to acknowledge this new change in branding. The berry cartels believe they are still just as cool and delicious as candy and that they have always been the true natures equivalent of candy. 

With this new announcement, many are speculating whether vegetable producers will finally admit that eating vegetables is a tedious chore at the best of times. No vegetable executives responded to a request for an interview however Capsicum Corporation released a statement stating they weren't going to play the marketing mind games of their more fun loving rivals. 

 

Bronwyn Bishop admits to buying solid gold Furby using Tax Payer money

In a further blow to her reputation and having finally resigned, Bronwyn Bishop has admitted she spent even more money on a variety of items which some commentators have described as excessive, unnecessary but also kind of cool.

 Among the items was a solid gold limited edition Furby (a one of a kind item) that Mrs. Bishop had purchased claiming it as research on how to be speaker of the house. 

Surprisingly, this new information released by her office seems to have brought both sides of politics together. Bill Shorten stated the items were “pretty great and very impressive.”

The list includes:

An album of high resolution photos from the helicopter flight Mrs. Bishop took printed and placed inside a leather bound photo album titled: My First Helicopter Ride.

A signed copy of Watch The Throne by Kanye West and Jay-Z with a hand written message from Mr West stating “You win, that was a cool helicopter”
400 bags of Doritos corn chips (398 Cheese Supreme, 2 Nacho Cheese)
A life size wax replica of Mrs. Bishop ordered from Maddamm Tussauds.
A gold plated AK-47
All remaining Kevin 07 t-shirts currently in existence. 

Barnaby Joyce has also come to Mrs. Bishops defense tweeting “haters gonna hate” The wax figure (pictures below) is terrifyingly realistic looking and holds a bizarre pose. 


Despite the strange array of items and equally strange reaction from politicians, some are claiming the Kanye message indicates the original helicopter flight in question was simply part of a bet between Mrs. Bishop and the two rappers. 

Bronwyn Bishop will be appearing before a senate enquiry with regards to the Furby.